There is no normal

I have moments when I cry. Of course I do. There’s a lot to carry right now. But this morning as I listened to my friend lead worship on my phone I grieved. Tears ran down my face and my heart hurt. For some reason his voice and the songs he sang opened my heart up and allowed me to grieve like I  hadn’t let myself do up to this point.

It was one of the few warm sunny mornings we’ve had so far this year. I sat on my patio with a cup of coffee. Everything looked normal, but nothing is normal. There is no normal. For me it started before the virus. 2020 began a whole new world for me. Fast forward to today and everything seems foreign. I could sit and wonder whose life I am in. There’s loss and uncertainty. Most days I’m strong and sure, but some days I feel weary. Like a child looking for some assurance that it’s all gonna be okay.

I needed those tears, they were a reminder that I’m still human. I’m still me. I still feel. I need to grieve and allow that process to work itself out in me. Because it creates a stronger, better me. One who is able to love others with empathy and in the fullness of who Christ is in me.

And now I can go back inside and enjoy today. I can enjoy the life I’m living right now. Different. Strange. But still good, still a gift. This time with my children and my husband is rich. It’s time I will never have again. Soon the kids will be grown and gone and Brian and I will be adjusting to another new normal.

Each normal has its joy and it’s pain. All of it is worth living to the fullest. All of it is worth jumping into, feet first, and swimming in the deep.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens

Ecclesiastes 3:1