The human struggle

As human beings we fight for this thing we call life. It’s a built in response. We want to continue to breathe and to be. When someone we love is fighting for their life we fight with them. And when they lose that battle we struggle to understand the why and the how. It’s not fair. No, it’s not. 

I remember driving in the car on the freeway in DC when my oldest brother was losing his battle with cancer. He fought long and hard, but it had made its way to his brain and they could no longer do anything to help him. We had gathered around him, laid hands on him and prayed. 

We prayed and fully believed. 

I fully believed. For so very long. 

And now I was driving alone, late at night, on my way to pick up our other brother so he could say goodbye. It was not fair. As I drove I cried out to God. I was angry and sad and hurting. I kept seeing the faces of my brothers children and thinking, “He can’t die. This can’t happen.” 

I remember hearing the words gently whispered into my heart as I drove that night. For such a gentle whisper they managed to grab my heart with a firm hold. “If he dies, am I still God? Am I still good? Am I still healer?” Those were questions I was sure hung in the air for every person in my family that night. “Yes, Lord, You are still God.” I had no doubt of that, even though the questions swirled around me. “You are good, and I know You are healer. I’ve seen you heal.” I had to come to terms with what I could not understand at that moment. Why would he not have healed my brother? We prayed, believed, served Him for years. But He was God and I was not. I didn’t need to understand. Though I know some do. Knowing Him was enough for me, so I didn’t need to know why. 

That was 13 years ago. Right now I’m sitting in my car praying, worshiping, remembering. A friend has just lost his brother and my heart hurts for them. I remember the pain and the questioning all too well. Yet as I sit here I realize that I don’t cling to this life as tightly as I once did. My heart finds its hope in another place. I find that what I once thought was all important is no longer so. I know that one day I’ll be in eternity with my Lord. My heart longs to see His face, to worship there. For now I will live out what He has called me to here. I will live this life for Him, knowing that my brother is worshiping Him there…and one day I’ll stand with him. Together we will see Him face to face. 

The Bible says the Holy Spirit is our comforter. He is that in my life now. I had to wrestle and struggle within myself to get to this place. The closer I got to God the more I let go of what I thought life was…and the more I now find solace in His Spirit. He is life. He is hope. He is peace. I am praying for my friends, that God would be very real to them now. That He would speak to them and bring a comfort that only He can.

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4
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